James

James is off to Oz next week.  For 6 months or even longer.  Im pleased for him really I am.  I encouraged him to go, it really is the best thing for him right now but oh my goodness will I miss him.

I will miss his smelly socks left lying in the living room, his muddy football kit on the kitchen floor, the delightful way he leaves wet towels on the bathroom floor and his pigsty of a bedroom.

But most of all I shall miss the way he comes into my bedroom when Ive had a bad day, plonks himself on the bed, and says 'Fancy a coffee Mum?' and he sits and chats about his night out/work/girl friend problems.

Im trying so hard to quell the little voice inside me thats saying 'this could be the last time you see him'...but its still there.  And I cant let him see that. So I shall stand there waving him off  at the airport with a big smile on my face, and then bawl my eyes out all the way home !

 

Update on the hump...

Saw Mr D the other evening regarding the hump and a few other niggling problems.

He had a bit of a poke and prod at it, was very non commital about what it could be as I expected, then ordered a battery of tests.  A full bone scan.  Spiral CT scan. Full bloods etc.  Seems he doesnt think its innocuous either.  So next Thursday I shall be spending all day in hospital being injected and scanned - oh joy!  At least we should have some answers though.

He did say however that he thought it should be 'whipped out'.  Not sure how I feel about this really, spinal surgery sounds just a wee bit scary.  Martin, ever sensible, said to just wait and see what the results are before getting all worked about it.....

So...more waiting.....

Radio Star....

Oh Yes !

Thats me - a Radio Star!......Well, I took part in a phone in on Radio 5 on Sunday evening at the ungodly hour of 11.30pm.  In the main it was a discussion about the  NHSs refusal to fund certain drugs to cancer patients.  Since I got involved with JWF campagain Ive benn horrified to learn how many patients are dying because of this decision by the NHS and PCTs.

Anyway, I wont rant on about it here !

It went very well, was very well received by the public and we drummed up a lot of support.....

So...onwards and upwards comrades !!

 

The bells the bells.....

Yes I know I know - its been a while since my last entry.

Thats because all has been quiet on the 'Jane health front'.  Not a lot to report really.  Leak finally dried up, back to eating normally, we even had a holiday last month!

But for the past few weeks Ive been feeling weaker, and tireder, and acheyier.  And Ive developed a lump on my spine.  Oh yes, Im growing a hump!  All joking aside its a pretty worrying development.  I know it COULD be something innocuous - but lets face it....what are the chances?

Reported it to Mr D last week and hes ringing tomorrow with a 'plan'.  CT is already booked for Sept 3rd.

Results to follow.....

Saying NO !!

Its something Ive never been very good at. I guess a lot of Mums are like that.

Cook a meal for 12 with an hours notice?.....Sure no problem

Look after little Johnny (spawn of the devil) for a week while you go to Barbados?.....Id love to

Wash the school football teams mud encrusted kit every week?.....Send it my way

Recently however Ive learnt to say 'NO' and its so liberating. It feels vaguely naughty and selfish but so less stressful.
The next move is to start to ask others to do things for me.....I shall grit my teeth and gird my loins and go for it !

CT Scans.

They have to be the worst thing ever invented.  That and waiting for them.  My life seems to revolve around them at the moment.

I know its a month or so till my next CT scan and Im trying to forget about it and get on with stuff, but its always there, nagging at the back of my mind like an itch you cant scratch. They arnt very pleasant things anyway, I found it quite scary and found myself thinking of the numerous times Id taken a patient (when I was nursing) for a CT scan and never given it a second thought. I reassured them and held their hands when appropriate, but the full impact of it didnt really hit me.
Just goes to show you doesnt it? You can be as sympathetic and caring as you possibly could be and yet you cant empathise until youve been there yourself.
As a patient I found a CT scan to be very 'Star Trek'...that horrid drink....the needle in your arm...the big empty room...the whirring of the machine and worst of all that disembodied voice telling you to hold your breath.
The radiology staff are lovely, but obviously they had a job to do and a blubbing patient can hold them up.
Ill be better prepared this time...I hope. At least take some tissues to save the indignity of wiping my nose on my dressing gown sleeve !

Update....

Im back on here due to several kind requests.  I must admit Ive missed writing my blog, it is an outlet for me even if I often sit here with tears dropping on the keyboard.

It IS better now though, I can think and talk about it much more easily now.  I guess thats why its called the 'Cancer Journey'.  Ive been through the full gamot of emotions.  Disbelief and denial at first.  Then anger.  Then a crushing devastation .  Now its a calm acceptance, with a few moments of despair thrown in.  I find I can even joke about it now with close friends.

It sure does make you evaluate your life.  At first there were plenty of 'if onlys' - a feeling that Id wasted so much time.  Now I count my blessings, and there are so many of them.  I actually found myself telling someone recently 'In spite of everything I consider myself very lucky'  The reason for this is I think Im in a pretty priveledged position now.  I know Im time limited so I wring the very last drop out of every experience I have now.  I sit and talk to, and more importantly, listen to the children so much more.  I look at things with a new borns eyes  Everything seems so much sharper and in focus.  I have no fear, for what is there to be afraid of?