Miss Me, But Let Me Go

A poem, found by Jane by an unknown author that she wished read at her funeral......

When I come to the end of the road,
And the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in a gloom filled room,
Why cry for a soul set free.

Miss me a little, but not too long,
And not with your head bowed low,
Remember the love that once we shared,
Miss me but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must make,
And each must do it alone,
It's all part of the Master's plan,
A step on the road to home.

So when you are lonely and sad at heart,
Go to the friends we know,
Bury your sorrows in doing your deeds,
Miss me, but let me go.

Journeys End

Jane passed away this afternoon.

She looked so peaceful after months of so much pain. I just wanted to take her home and care for her all over again. People say that I was so good to care for her the way I did but I loved her so much it was an absolute pleasure. I would do the same again tomorrow if I had the chance, now all I have left are memories. There is a huge void left which I am not going to be able to fill. She was my life, in sickness and in health and I will miss her with all my heart.

Rest in peace Jane.

Jane Catherine Thompson
18th January 1959 - 30th May 2010

Tears and goodbyes..

I am sitting here typing in the early hours of Sunday morning in tears and yearning for my Jane..

I received that phone call from St Mary's last night... "Mr Thompson, Jane's condition has deteriorated, we are trying to make her comfortable but you might want to come in.. "

I gathered up the James, Ed and Catherine and together with Caroline we made the worst car journey you will ever have to make.
St Mary's staff were their usual efficient self in such circumstances but then again they have had a lot of practice, unlike us. I stuck by my guns and reiterated Jane's wish for me not to take her to any more hospitals and then agreed for her to be sedated as she was becoming agitated and distressed. As the sedation was administered we just had a moment to all say goodbye. Jane managed a smile and squeezed each of our hands before settling down into a controlled sleep.

Oh Jane I love you so much, you are so brave. You have kept your dignity throughout this terrible decease I just want to take you home and keep you there forever.

James sat with her last night and now I'm going in to keep her company as her journey ends..

Martin

Update.. just when you thought it was going smoothly

Nothing goes smoothly with cancer, I've learned that the hard way.

Friday night/ Saturday morning Jane developed an infection in her chest. Her temperature rose to dangerous levels and I just sat with her in despair. I phoned Caroline who came up straight away and together we put together a game plan. We contacted everyone and with Jane's wish for me never to take her to hospital again, we pushed for a return to St Mary's. Jane was in a semi-conscious state, sometimes crying out for God to help her. She hadn't eaten or drank anything in 12 hours and was not taking anything orally, including her MST. I feared the worse..

The on call district nurse was marvelous and soon had St Mary's on the phone and by 2pm she was in her own room, anti-biotics inside her and fans directed to keep the temp down. She looked so vulnerable but by 5pm I was so tired and had to leave her in the capable hands of the nurses. She was still in her semi-conscious state and I felt real guilt in leaving her.. still fearing the worse.

Martin

Homeward Bound ?

22 days Ive been in St Marys now - doesn't time fly ?And what a lot has happened too. In this time we have apparently elected a most unusual government - run by twins. And Edward had his 17th birthday.

Happy Birthday Edward !!

I measure the passage of time now by how much I can move my toes/knees/thighs. And any improvement seems to have come to a halt now. It takes a good half an hour of massage to 'wake' my legs up in order to get the smallest movement out of them. And that is very hard work. It can be a bit depressing.

'Home' is planned for Wednesday 26th - all being well. Everything is in place now. All the equipment I need and a care package which includes 3 calls a day and for most nights a sitter. Its very comprehensive and I must admit Ive been quite overwhelmed by the amount of help Ive been given - and will need. I'm going back to a very different life indeed.

How do I feel about going home? Things are so very different - I left home able to walk, move around, look after myself more or less. Now I'm virtually paralysed from the waist down which has a huge impact on the amount of pain I'm in. Lying in bed makes it much worse, I get stiff as a board. Martin is brilliant at sitting me right up with pillows so I can wriggle about a bit at least on my bum, relieving the pressure.

Despite all this I want to be at home, in my house, my home, with my family - and I know they want me home too. Its a bit daunting at the moment but we will be getting loads of support and I'm sure we will find our own level after a while.


Wednesday Afternoon

I'm home !!
Not without incident of course. The paramedics had a bit of a game getting me in the house on the stretcher and I provided the afternoons entertainment for neighbours and passersby, clad in a little blue nightie being lifted and twisted and turned in order to get me inside !

At one point I thought we were auditioning for 'Britains Got Talent' !!!

And the winner is........

....... well, we don't actually know yet. But 'Kidney Cancer - Jane's Journey' has been shortlisted for 2 awards, one of them a major PR award.

I don't know any more details yet apart from we shall know in July if we have won !!

How exciting !!

Pain xxxx Pain

Mostly, when pain starts creeping in and making itself at home, dealing with it swiftly and firmly is enough. Pain killers taken, position altered , then just try to relax and wait maybe 10-15 mins for them to start to work. And the blessed relief when they do.

But sometimes, and I'm not sure why, this doesn't work. No relief forthcoming. Pain intensifies. Wait maybe an hour and take some more. Maybe different ones. Wait again. A small bubble of panic starting tiorise. Wait again. Still nothing. Fear takes a grip now too. There is nothing worse than lying there in the dark in agony.

Distraction sometimes helps. Watching the TV or reading. Deep breathing, like we did in child birth, helps me a lot.. Swearing very loudly can be satisfying !!

But sometimes nothing helps - like tonight. It is now 2am, Ive had an extra 50mg morphine plus some other stuff and it hasn't worked. I cant even move around and position myself more comfortably in bed because of my right arm, so it becomes a vicious circle.

Pain + tension = Fear + more pain.

Ive always been an advocate of 'counting your blessings' - usually I can find dozens to make me smile. Last night I barely managed a couple, and that's hardly a smirk !

The pain is still there, digging its claws into me, holding on fast with its vice like grip....

It will pass. It will. Eventually. And I can relax at last. Till the next time.