Sunday, 18 January 2009

The 'F' Word

Today is my birthday. And I am fifty. Im hoping if I write it in teeny little letters no one will notice ! This has come as a bit of a shock to be honest. Most people can psychologically prepare themselves for this milestone birthday but it has caught me completely unaware - mainly because I didnt expect to be here still, and neither did anyone else....not really.
Subconsciously Im sure it has been at the back of my mind but, not wanting to tempt providence, I had nothing special planned. I think I was hoping it would pass quietly, unnoticed, with a few cards
from the kids (with the obligatory 50 on the front) and maybe some flowers from Martin. Caroline, however, had other ideas and last night, together with her partner Trevor, took us out for a surprise dinner party at one of my favourite posh restaurants. We had such a lovely evening, fabulous food, wonderful company - a really special way to celebrate. I also found it very, very emotional to say the least.
Physically Im still doing really well - but emotionally Im struggling a bit. I didnt realise until last night just how much though. It seems to have been building up since Christmas when losing so many friends hit me very hard - harder than I realised. A part of me feels guilty for still being here - I know its irrational but I cant help it. Last week NICE met to make their final decision in regard to the 4 KC drugs but they wont be announcing it until March and if positive it wont be implemented until the summer. How many more patients will die waiting and hoping they can last that long? And there is nothing I can do about it. I feel so impotent. The results of my CT scan are looming next Thursday and thats playing on my mind too.
Naively I thought I had completed my own cancer journey a while ago - I had been through all the stages and come out the other side. But as Caroline pointed out to me last night it doesnt work like that. It is an ongoing, movable feast and not something you ever really 'complete'. She also pointed out, quite rightly, that I dont have to be 'Superwoman' all the time. Its perfectly ok for me to feel a bit down and stressed - in fact I wouldnt be normal if I didnt. Im very lucky to have such a kind, caring, astute friend arn't I?
It wasnt all doom and gloom though and we had plenty to laugh about last night too - Catherine, bless her, offered to do my make up. And I accepted - with a few reservations. She made a really good job of it and I went out with a full face of slap on complete with glittery eyeshadow and false eyelashes. Now Ive never worn them before and it is a very peculiar feeling, every time you blink you feel them wafting away. My biggest fear was that one would become detached and slide down my face settling on my upper lip giving me the 'Adolph' look !
Today we are all going out for a meal later. Without the false eyelashes this time. Last night they looked very nice but Im not sure I could carry them off in daylight - especially now that Im 50 !


LYN said...


leslie said...

Hi my name is leslie. I have been following your blog for some time because I also have rcc grade 4 stage 4. just want to say Happy Birthday.

Slacker Mom said...

Happy Birthday, Jane!

So glad for your family and friends.....! And don't ya know? 50 is the NEW 40!

Rose W said...

You look lovely for an oldie !! says me.... more pushing sixty than pulling 50.
Still what the heck Jane, we are still here against all odds and we are making our mark for other KC patients. Lets keep on rattling their cages.

With love and hugs Rose W

Rose xx

Sugar said...

great looking pic!
stand up & be proud, shout it from the roof tops "i'm fifty & still here, can't get the best of me...i'll still be here at 60 & 70 too!", tell it to the world!!!
i'm about 10 yrs your senior & proud to be alive!!!

Yasmin said...

Happy Birthday

What a lovely surprise for you, and glad you enjoyed your dinner party, bet you looked very glam with your eyelashes and why not it's nice to dress up, and have a goodtime today, and just think of what you have acheieved thus far makes you pretty amazing in my book.

Take care


mortonlake said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JANE LOVE,all my best wishes to for being guilty,yes i understand the thinking behind it,but my god you deserve to be here to enjoy BEING 50,oops lol deary me,didnt mean to say it so take care,lots of love,mort.xx

Ally Lifewithally said...

Happy Birthday here hoping you celebrate many many more ~ Ally x

ADB said...

Happy Birthday, Jane, and many happy returns of the day. Will keep you in mind on Thursday.

Andy said...

Happy Birthday and heres to many more to come! Thanks for your comments in my blog, they were much appreciated-thank you.

Sybil said...

What a wonderful surprise that was for your VERY SPECIAL birthday..didn't realise there was only 14 years and a couple of days between us !! I laughed at the idea of your possible "Adolph" appearing...wait till you get to my advanced age and you will wonder what to do to hide it permanently LOL
Take care my dear friend
Enjoy every day as it comes..
Much Love Sybil xxx

kje said...

Happy 50th Jane from your Canadian friends across the pond

Deb said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! have now reached a great age and the best is yet to come.
Wishing you a wonderful day and all the best in the year ahead. You have accomplished so very much this past year for yourself and for so many others.
I am very proud to call you "friend"!!

Tightening the Corset Again said...

Didn't you know? Fifty is the new thirty! Live long and prosper, dear!


best said...

Happy Birthday Jane!!! I follow your blog and you rock!!!
wife to Geoff, Stage III, Grade 3

Anonymous said...

50 on the outside, 15 on the inside. No one would ever believe you have cancer. Take life one day at a time and if the mood strikes, sit down and have a good cry. It's perfectly normal and if anyone says they don't do it, well you can bet they feel like it.
Happy birthday and many more!

pam said...

Happy Birthday Jane. Sorry I am a day late. I am totally thrilled for you. Still keep you in my thoughts and prayers often.Had a good chuckle at the eyelashes.Love Pam xx

Funnyface said...

A belated Happy Birthday Jane, luvin the eyelashes !!! Glad you all had such a brilliant time - and listen to your friend Caroline, she's an oracle of knowledge!
Much love, Jaynee X

Jan said...

A Very Happy Birthday Jane ,and many many returns of the day ,So pleased you had such a nice party and why not ,you deserve it ,laughed at the false eyelashes ,went back for a look ,lol you look great kid ,Ican call you that Im sixty eight next month ouch ,Thanks for your comments and visit to my blog Jan xx

Jan said...

PS, I hope all went well today again Jan xx

Jean said...

Hi Jane,came here via Jan (my sister ) Hope you had a great Birthday and wish you many more are a very brave lady Jean