I guess we all have them - those horrible dark thoughts that keep you awake in the middle of the night. Usually you can push them to one side, ignore them and think of something nicer. But sometimes they keep creeping back in, intensifying and magnifying, making sleep impossible.
The last few nights have been particularly bad. Its always the nights isnt it? The cold light of dawn chases these thoughts away like the demons they are.
Recently my demons have consisted of thinking what it will be like for my family when Im no longer here. What will it be like for Martin going into our bedroom, opening my wardrobe and seeing the clothes I will never wear again? I cant quite imagine it, well I can - I just dont want to.
I dont want to think of my family with a big 'Jane sized' hole in it.
Maybe this is a bit self indulgent - after all, I wont be here. I have the easy part of this deal, its Martin and the children who will have to handle the fallout.