I guess we all have them - those horrible dark thoughts that keep you awake in the middle of the night. Usually you can push them to one side, ignore them and think of something nicer. But sometimes they keep creeping back in, intensifying and magnifying, making sleep impossible.
The last few nights have been particularly bad. Its always the nights isnt it? The cold light of dawn chases these thoughts away like the demons they are.
Recently my demons have consisted of thinking what it will be like for my family when Im no longer here. What will it be like for Martin going into our bedroom, opening my wardrobe and seeing the clothes I will never wear again? I cant quite imagine it, well I can - I just dont want to.
I dont want to think of my family with a big 'Jane sized' hole in it.
Maybe this is a bit self indulgent - after all, I wont be here. I have the easy part of this deal, its Martin and the children who will have to handle the fallout.
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4 comments:
what can I say to that?? I bet it is surreal for you really...i hope writing your feeling down here helps..you continue to amaze me with your bravery...
Wow, that was some entry. It has made me wonder if my Mum had similar thoughts .... i often wondered what her thoughts would have been when she was alone. And now i wonder is she is really here with me when i cry because i miss her so much.
Life is both wonderful and cruel.
Much love, Jaynee X
Hi Jane. I hope those dark times have moved away for you. I have really missed you and I am so looking forward to hearing about all your adventures. You cracked me up with tales from the cruise. You are so often in my thoughts. Love Pam xx
I think it only natural for you to go to those dark places. I know my own Mother did, and once she realized she was in fact leaving us behind....she was ALL business, setting forth plans for our lives without her here to guide us (She was ALWAYS IN CHARGE! LOL)
I hope you find peace at night to rest. Your story continues to captivate me.
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