I cant sleep.
I have my CT scan later this morning and its really playing on my mind. I guess its because this is such an important one - the one which will show whether IL2 is working or not. Ofcourse I wont get the results today. And others will know before me, which I find a bit irritating. Someone else will know the path Im about to take before I do and that doesnt seem right really.
As Guido pointed out it is a case of 'the lesser of two evils'
Either IL2 is working and Im due for my next cycle in 10 days time.
Or it isnt - and its back to Sutent and praying it works and buys me some time.
And yesterday I had some news which could indicate it isnt working.
I went to see Dr P and Sarah, just for a routine check up really. To see how my arm is (its much better) and how Ive recovered from IL2 last time. They put us kidney cancer patients in with the testicular cancer patients as there arnt enough of us to justify our own clinic. So I was sitting there with a group of men. The only woman. I wanted to stand up and announce "I havnt got any testicles!!" - but as a friend pointed out most of them could probably say the same !
Im almost back to normal, about 95% I would say. My skin is still a bit weird, still itchy at times and peeling (although that could be due to the tan) and my teeth hurt. They are incredibly sensitive to both hot and cold. Sarah said its probably my gums more than my teeth and as long as it doesnt affect my eating (which it certainly doesnt!) then there is nothing to worry about.
But I have a new lump. On my face, next to my nose. I first noticed it before our holiday and it isnt very big, about the size of a pea, and it hasnt grown. I thought it was a spot and ignored it. But recently Ive noticed a web of tiny thread veins running to and around it. And kidney cancer has a very rich blood supply. So you can see what I was suspecting - and after examining it closely that is what Sarah suspects too.
So now Im worried its an indication the IL2 hasnt worked. I wont know the results till next Thursday so Ill probably be a gibbering wreck by then !
Its silly I know, but you seize on the smallest things, convinced they are significant. The very best indicator is my general health, which is good. Im eating well, not in any pain and my 'performance status' remains very good.
So its back up the M6 today with 'Lewis' - after his recent driving experiences in Rio Im sure he will shatter his personal best time !