........and Im feeling better. Much, much better as a matter of fact. On 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 100th examination the lump under my arm feels more of a swelling, and actually its gone down quite a lot since Friday. And the one on my scalp is still definitely shrinking.
When will I learn to stop leaping to conclusions and jumping to self diagnoses? When will I learn that no matter what my prognosis is, and there is no doubt of that, to take each day as I find it? To simply endure the bad days and thoroughly enjoy the good ones? The die has already been cast, and its up to me to make the most of the time between now and then. And not to worry over every single little niggle on the way. On reflection, and being sensible, I still have every reason to believe that Sutent is working and buying me time and improving my quality of life - and I must cling on to that on the bad days.
Its not like me to be pessimistic - in fact Im usually irritatingly positive - but over the past 15 months I have become so acutely aware of every lump, bump, crack, crevice and slight imperfection in my body Im instantly aware of the slightest change. Its the same with how I feel on a day to day basis. We all have 'off' days, days where for no particular reason we feel 'below par'. Except for me it is always something to do with my cancer. A simple headache is always a brain tumour - for a few moments anyway until the paracetamols work !
So anyway, today is a good day and the sun is shining and I feel well. And incredibly lucky once more. Reading the Sunday papers earlier I came across yet another article about someone denied Sutent by their PCT. There are only 200 of us lucky kidney cancer patients who are funded this drug - and maybe up to 2000 who need it. Less than half the PCTs will fund it.
Day 5 of my break from Sutent and my mouth is almost back to normal, my wee is no longer lime green and my appetite returning. I have the most peculiar little blisters on the tops of my toes, they dont hurt, it just looks as if my red nail varnish has smudged a bit !
My McMillan nurse, Mary, from our localHospice is coming to see me on Tuesday. Ive put it off several times now but have run out of excuses. The thing is I just dont want to talk about having cancer, and more specifically dying. Its not that I havnt faced it and accepted it - I just dont WANT to talk about it. I have the same problem with friends and family. I avoid the issue and change the subject if its brought up. Ive thought about it a great deal and have very definite plans....ie NOT going into hospital or the hospice...and when the time is right Ill discuss them.
But not right now please....not right now.....