........and Im feeling better. Much, much better as a matter of fact. On 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 100th examination the lump under my arm feels more of a swelling, and actually its gone down quite a lot since Friday. And the one on my scalp is still definitely shrinking.
When will I learn to stop leaping to conclusions and jumping to self diagnoses? When will I learn that no matter what my prognosis is, and there is no doubt of that, to take each day as I find it? To simply endure the bad days and thoroughly enjoy the good ones? The die has already been cast, and its up to me to make the most of the time between now and then. And not to worry over every single little niggle on the way. On reflection, and being sensible, I still have every reason to believe that Sutent is working and buying me time and improving my quality of life - and I must cling on to that on the bad days.
Its not like me to be pessimistic - in fact Im usually irritatingly positive - but over the past 15 months I have become so acutely aware of every lump, bump, crack, crevice and slight imperfection in my body Im instantly aware of the slightest change. Its the same with how I feel on a day to day basis. We all have 'off' days, days where for no particular reason we feel 'below par'. Except for me it is always something to do with my cancer. A simple headache is always a brain tumour - for a few moments anyway until the paracetamols work !
So anyway, today is a good day and the sun is shining and I feel well. And incredibly lucky once more. Reading the Sunday papers earlier I came across yet another article about someone denied Sutent by their PCT. There are only 200 of us lucky kidney cancer patients who are funded this drug - and maybe up to 2000 who need it. Less than half the PCTs will fund it.
Day 5 of my break from Sutent and my mouth is almost back to normal, my wee is no longer lime green and my appetite returning. I have the most peculiar little blisters on the tops of my toes, they dont hurt, it just looks as if my red nail varnish has smudged a bit !
My McMillan nurse, Mary, from our localHospice is coming to see me on Tuesday. Ive put it off several times now but have run out of excuses. The thing is I just dont want to talk about having cancer, and more specifically dying. Its not that I havnt faced it and accepted it - I just dont WANT to talk about it. I have the same problem with friends and family. I avoid the issue and change the subject if its brought up. Ive thought about it a great deal and have very definite plans....ie NOT going into hospital or the hospice...and when the time is right Ill discuss them.
But not right now please....not right now.....
9 comments:
Glad you are feeling more postive today. Hang in there!
Angel
I am so pleased to hear you are feeling better today ,You are amazing how you are so positive ,I would tell the nurse what you have told us ,she will understand and maybe just wants to make friends ,and with your strength and sense of humour you will be a tonic for her ...love Jan xx
You know what Jane? I think I love you more each day. I almost snap the keys when I see the title A journey of another kind, just to see how you are doing. I am so pleased to read that the lumps are going down. Thank God. I honestly don't know how you cope. Don't give yourself a hard time for being pessimistic, It's allowed, for 5 mins! then back to the positivity.;-) I know a real fighter when I see one and that's definately you. Maybe Tuesday will be just what you need. Also remember I am only an email away If ever you want to talk, rant, whatever. My ears are always here for you. The weather Is gorgeous. You get that gorgeous body out there and get bronzed! lol. ;-) Take care. Love Pam xx
Glad to read your feeling better today, however it's understandable, that you will worry, if your condition worsens or improves. They say one day a ta time and thats all you can do, I don't blame you for not wanting to talk about it, i'm sure there are many aspects to you other than your illness, and your when the time comes if it does you'll let them know what you want. The weather has been gorgeous just lately, and it does put a spring in one's step.
Take care
Yasmin
xx
My dear Jane, I am glad you have had a good day. As you say we all have our up and down days and we usually like to find out why and let our imaginations run away with us....I am glad taht you are seeing the Macmillan nurse on Tuesday. She will COMPLETELY understand exactly where you are coming from and I am sure you will find her visist nothing but helpful. Love Sybil xx
U sound so incredily sensible Sprite: now if only u could actually TAKE some of ur own advice, ur day to day fretting would be cut by half, lol !!
U keep on keeping on hun. xx
Hi Jane, what a lovely honest and open entry - and thank you for letting us 'strangers' in on your thoughts. Glad to see you are back on form regarding your lumps etc and yes do everything in your own time.
Luv Jaynee X
i understand how you feel i suppose im the same with ms if i dont talk about it i aint got it. and i am so glad those lumps going down. but the macmillan nurse will understand, as my ms nurse does.( linda leaves me alone unless she hears from my dr im being daft then omg lol shame i went to school with her lol) and she will help you. you take each day as it comes and may you have many too many to count good ones in awe as always written with love mort xxxxx
My husband is ALWAYS doing this. . .right down to knowing just what the consultant is going to say . . .and hes NEVER right! I tell him all the time. . stop it and wait and see. .lol.Now you know you should take your own advice Jane.I am so glad you are feeling much better.
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