Friday, 1 February 2008

A year on....

Its been just over a year since I was diagnosed.  Almost a year since my initial operation.  In some ways it seems much longer, so much has happened.

I went to see Dr P yesterday for my bloods and a check up.  I saw Sarah his registrar again.  The first thing she noticed was that the lump next to my nose has grown.  Then I pointed out to her that the horn on my head has returned.  This is such a blow right now, apparently IL2 doesnt work well on skin lesions so although its killing the tumours inside me I still have a couple which will need to be dealt with soon, probably by surgery.  Sarah also mentioned starting Sutent and my heart sank.  I really really hoped I wouldnt need it.  It seems like a failure now after all Ive been through on IL2 to have to contemplate this drug after.  As Sarah pointed out the skin lesions wont kill me and can be removed by surgery but it didnt make me feel any better.  They will be taking me away bit by bit.

Im tired.  Tired of fighting to be honest.  How much longer do I have to keep doing this?  How many more operations will I need?  Its physically and emotionally exhausting.  Staying positive is hard work in itself at times.  For the first time I can understand how people can give up, turn their faces to the wall and accept their fate.

But Im not ready to give up yet, especially after all Ive been through so far.  Im back into Christies on Monday to hopefully kill off the last little bits of the tumours on my lymph nodes.  And then when Ive recovered we shall see about having these lumps removed.

 

9 comments:

cayasm said...

I can't even begin to imagine how hard this has been on you, and yet to face even more surgery, you have a strong spirit. Hope all goes well on Monday for your final round of IL2.

Yasmin

jeadie05 said...

Oh so much good luck for Monday ,you have been through so much just be strong abit longer ,it must come right for you please God ..love Jan xx

pamwas22 said...

I have been reading your journal for some time and I can't believe that your
enormously strong will to survive is deserting you now.  Please hold strong to
your life, your love and your family. I am a christian and I believe that we are
not called until its our time and it can't be your time for ages yet - you have such
a lot to do with your life still.  I sign myself an admirer.   Pam.

rumer136 said...

Jane, I am so moved by your words, been reading your blog for a while now and you truly are an inspiration to me, keep on fighting, I admire your strength of spirit and determination, lost of positive thoughts
Julie xxx

faircolleen said...

Jane. . this cancer is a bummer. . its like snakes and ladders. . .I recognise my hubby in you and he got so down about things . . .his spirt was so low . . . . yes its certainly exhausting and hard to face sometimes. Im with you in this and wish you so much. . .hubby is too.

ally123130585918 said...

Whatever else you do don't give up keep on fighting ~ I have been where you are now ~ you must keep a positive attitude ~ my cancer was different to yours but cancer just the same ~  you will win in the end ~ if I can so can you ~ stay strong ~ Ally x

tellsg said...

I know you must be really fed up and tired and the blimming miserable weather doesn't help either.  The good thing is that you know that they can sort out the lumps and that they are keeping such a close eye on you.  Good luck on Monday with the treatment and hopefully you will have some respite from all this soon.  Rooting for you here in Hertfordshire!  Hugs, Tells x

mentor4wealth65 said...

Ups and downs are natural. Fatigue is understandable.

And yet, a year on, here you are, still. Still in the game. Still with much to live for. Your trip to Brazil has proved that amply.

Your strength will return when you need it. It is part of you.


David

mortonlake said...

 your  journal  is  an  inspiration               which  is  why  i  have   awarded   you  the  nice   matters award             please   check   my  journal  sometime          take  care            mort  x