Its been just over a year since I was diagnosed. Almost a year since my initial operation. In some ways it seems much longer, so much has happened.
I went to see Dr P yesterday for my bloods and a check up. I saw Sarah his registrar again. The first thing she noticed was that the lump next to my nose has grown. Then I pointed out to her that the horn on my head has returned. This is such a blow right now, apparently IL2 doesnt work well on skin lesions so although its killing the tumours inside me I still have a couple which will need to be dealt with soon, probably by surgery. Sarah also mentioned starting Sutent and my heart sank. I really really hoped I wouldnt need it. It seems like a failure now after all Ive been through on IL2 to have to contemplate this drug after. As Sarah pointed out the skin lesions wont kill me and can be removed by surgery but it didnt make me feel any better. They will be taking me away bit by bit.
Im tired. Tired of fighting to be honest. How much longer do I have to keep doing this? How many more operations will I need? Its physically and emotionally exhausting. Staying positive is hard work in itself at times. For the first time I can understand how people can give up, turn their faces to the wall and accept their fate.
But Im not ready to give up yet, especially after all Ive been through so far. Im back into Christies on Monday to hopefully kill off the last little bits of the tumours on my lymph nodes. And then when Ive recovered we shall see about having these lumps removed.