Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Rock Bottom.....

Day 7 of radio therapy....Day 7 of Afinitor....7 Days since Zometa.....

.....and I think I have hit rock bottom. At least I hope its rock bottom, I cant imagine it getting any worse.

Physically my body is suffering with the radiation. Combined with the steroids I'm taking it has caused my feet and legs to swell alarmingly - in fact today I couldn't walk, Martin had to take me to hospital in a wheelchair. As planned with Dr P. I have reduced the dose of steroid to the minimum but this didn't make any difference and the radiographer today suggested I see my GP and get some diuretics. So I did. Frusamide. And I'm weeing away like mad now after only one dose so I'm really hoping it works. Apparently radio therapy is well known for affecting the lymphatic system and swollen feet etc... are common - so I may not see a huge improvement until next week when my course finishes. The pain in my legs has been pretty bad but well controlled by the oramorph I'm taking and should start to improve soon.

The physical symptoms are bad enough, the pain and discomfort - but the real struggle I'm having is psychological. During the space of an hour Ill lurch from the pits of despair - wondering why the hell I'm putting myself through this, whats the point? etc....to determined positivity, willing to endure more, gritting my teeth prepared for whatever is coming next. Ive never experienced anything like it before. I guess its a form of depression - which can be a side effect of radio therapy. Whatever it is its horrible - and exhausting. And worse than any pain in my opinion. I'm still not sleeping very well, or very much, so can spend up to 18 hours a day spinning from one mental state to the other. I also feel a bit 'shakey' and 'panicky' at times. I hope this ends soon - I'm not sure how much more I can take even though I do recognise whats happening and I know its all down to the treatment I'm receiving.

3 days after having the Zometa infusion I had a day of 'achey/fluey' like symptoms. Nothing too bad and it only lasted a day. The next morning I was fine.

Afinitor has so far been the kindest with the only side effect a sore mouth and loss of sense of taste. I can handle that easily !!

Like I said, I really hope this is it - this is the worst I get - and from tomorrow things start to improve.....because I'm really not sure I can cope with any more....

10 comments:

Jackie said...

Jane what you are feeling is totally normal. I've had these up and downs I had to give into anti depressants and professional help and it did work! I am a sensible person who knew it was not me feeling this way and that it was illogical, I'm usually so positive, but cancer is not something any of us take lightly and the treatments we endure are sometimes much worse than the cancer, there is no sense of defeat in asking for help to get us through this. From the bottom the only way is up and we are all here with understanding and sending you all our positive thoughts. YOU CAN BEAT THIS, YOU CAN GET ON TOP OF IT.
Jackie xx

ADB said...

Jane,
You are going through a hell of a lot, and it's bound to have some impact on your state of mind. Radiotherapy is no child's play, and does carry serious side-effects. I can only commend you for your courage to persevere, and to write down your experiences for the benefit of others in a similar predicament.

mortonlake said...

im so sorry jane love.you have been through so much.and still going through it.never give in hun,you take care,love and admiration as always,mort xxxx

Andy said...

I can fully understand what you are saying about hitting rock bottom. I reached that stage over the weekend but it dawned on me that there is only one way to proceed and that is forward.
Thinking of you Andy

AndyThomas said...

Keep your chin up, thinking of you as always

Andy T

tinkerbell said...

Jane you have been thru so much, and its so hard to know what to say to help, but I believe that all your medical team feel that this session of intense thearapy will have a good result, of course you feel exactly as you feel, hang in there babe and Im sure the first glimmer of feeling improvement will be yours soon, depression is a soul destroyer and if need be this can be helped, you remain as always in my thoughts and prayers.

Joanne said...

Hang in there Jane. You can do it!
Joanne

pam said...

Hey Jane, I am so sorry to read that things are really bad for you. Everything going In to your system will be playing such a huge part in your mood and state of mind. I hope with all my heart that this all settles down for you. Keeping you even closer to me at this hard time. Big hugs coming your way. Hang In there my strong lady. Love Pam.xx

karen said...

don't be afraid to ask for help for the emotional and mental struggles that come with this damned cancer Jane. It has made a world of difference for me, so please take whatever help is available. I am so fortunate to have had such a lovely visit for Canadian Thanksgiving this past weekend with Deb in Newfoundland. We thought of you and commented on all the strength & support we derive from your posts. You have so many of us out here who love & support you from afar. Hugs and strength to you as always, from across the pond, Karen.

leslie said...

Jane, my thoughts and prayers are constantly with you. My best friend and my wonderful husband Leslie was taken by this awful disease on 21st July 2009. So I am so grateful to you for the awareness you are bringing to it and to the increased treatments now available. I so desperately want to see this become a cronic treatable illness rather than a terminal one. Come on Jane, you are a legend and a fighter!! A pioneer who deserves such respect and admiration for your fighting spirit. I am rooting and praying for you!!