Ok - I was wrong. And not for the first time you may say !
It could get worse - and it has got worse. BUT its nearly over, just one more Rx (radiotherapy) treatment to go on Monday. One more. Then its all over. Finished.
Emotionally I'm much more stable. I still have the odd 'wobble' where I don't quite 'trust' my thoughts - where I feel a bit out of control - but in general the 'madness' seems to have passed. 'Madness' isn't a term I use lightly either because that's exactly how it felt - the sheer extremes of emotions I was feeling, and reacting to.
My saviour came in two friends, Caroline of course, and Sandra. I met Sandra through Caroline a few years ago and she is cut from the same cloth - sensible, wise, funny and so kind. Talking things through with them was exactly what I needed to get things into perspective again - to appreciate what my body, and more importantly mind, was going through - that it wasn't permanent and it would pass and most of all not to be afraid. Fear exacerbates everything. And it is very frightening to lose control of your thought processes - and KNOW you are. Taking their advice Ive tried to relax and not fight it - to accept it and allow it to wash over me. Not easy but it does work.
Martin, who I thought would treat the whole thing as a bit of a joke, has been incredibly supportive, and intuitive - a word I never thought I would use about him. He can tell by the way I speak how I'm feeling psychologically - not by what I say or do. He has been calm and just allowed me to get whatever is bothering me out of my system at the time. Sitting with me while I sobbed my heart out in the garage for no apparent reason. And then trying to persuade me to sit down when I went all manic and decided I really, really needed to make a cake - right now this minute! It must be so stressful for him and he does look very tired lately. Mary has booked me into the hospice for a weeks respite on 4th November and I think its as much for his benefit as mine. I wasn't sure at first - a whole week doing nothing - but she is right. Its exactly what I will need to get my equilibrium back again and hopefully sort out my sleeping problems. And Martin can have some much needed rest too knowing I'm alright and safe.
So - what has got worse? The pain. Pain in my legs, both of them from my hips down to my knees. I can hardly weight bare now and am back using the zimmer around the house and wheelchair outside. And using an awful lot of oramorph. I am assured this is normal, Rx irritates before it starts to work and it could still be a week or more before I start to feel the benefit of it. That's ok - I can wait. As long as it does work in the end !
My radiotherapy experience has completely overshadowed the most important event taking place - starting Afinitor. All is well so far as I can tell. I still have a sore mouth but that's all. And I am checking my tumours, the ones I can feel on my head and in my armpit, and they havn't grown which has to be a good sign. So as far as I'm concerned I have every reason to be optimistic and positive. I'm seeing Dr P. on Thursday for my first check up and blood tests so I may know a bit more then.
Tomorrow Grace is coming for the day and we are going to be photographed for an article in 'Yours' magazine (5th Nov) which should prove interesting as I look absolutely dreadful right now !! All bloated and puffy and red, like a big tomato. I shall have to let Catherine loose on me again make up wise - if she plasters it on thick enough it may just fool the camera!