Friday, 4 April 2008

Yesterday

Yesterday everything seemed sorted, planned.  I had seen Mr Peart and he was going to remove my lumps on 17th April.

Yesterday I was still upbeat and positive - happy the ways things were progressing and confident Sutent would work for me.

Yesterday I caught sight of something that for the first time ever filled me with despair.

Under my right arm pit a new lump has appeared.  And its big, the size of a golf ball.  It wasnt there a few days ago so it has grown very rapidly indeed.  Its above the one next to my boob (which has also grown but not quite so dramatically) and is visible from the outside, not just on palpation.

This will change everything.  I doubt I have the time to wait until after the operation to start Sutent, let alone till after our holiday.

Im having a CT scan on Monday and will see Dr P on Thursday for the results - and to show him my new lump.  Im pretty certain it will mean starting Sutent immediately - but have we left it too late?  Is my disease now so aggressive its rampaging out of control ?  Ofcourse a lot will depend on the CT results too - its the tumours you CANT see that are most dangerous.

I must admit this has me worried sick.  I know the score.  I know once cancer turns so aggressive and is either untreated/untreatable the situation can deteriorate very rapidly.  It could be a matter of months - or even weeks.

I havnt got time to die now.  Ive got too much to do.  Im only just starting to feel fit and well after IL2 and Im bloody determined to go on holiday later this month.  I feel so frustrated by this.  Ive done everything that was asked of me, been the most compliant of patients, suffered the horrible treatments, the pain and discomfort and it now appears it may have been for nothing.

So now I have a few anxious days ahead before I find out exactly what is going on and how serious this new development really is.  Im trying to be positive but I really fear the worst.

AND my hair is still falling out !

 

 

29 comments:

faircolleen said...

Awwww. . .Im so sorry. . .this cancer business is the bloomin pits.I dont know how many times I say to my husband "try not to worry till we know". . . he hates it when I say that . But of course you will be worried .I hope everything is better than you think on Monday and hope the results are good for Thursday too. Best Wishes to you and your family.

mofraser1 said...

well, i hope that if i ever become ill like yourself, that i can be as brave and strong as you. good luck to you, and i will be thinking about you.

pharmolo said...

I am very sorry indeed to hear of this further downturn for you Jane. I sincerely hope that things can be ameliorated to some extent, that you can do what you want to do.

sugarsweet056 said...

My thoughts & prayers are with you Jane. May God bless.
Hugs,
Sugar

sybilsybil45 said...

Hi, I have just come along to try to hold you up via Guedo.  Sorry I havn't met you before but I will keep in touch now.  Keep positive.  Best wishes   Sybil x
http://journals.aol.co./sybilsybil45/villagelife

cayasm said...

Jane what a terrible set back for you as you were doing so well, fingers crossed for you for Monday when you get your results, then you'll know what can be done.
Take care

Yasmin
x

sybilsybil45 said...

sorry Jane I left a bit out of my addy.  it is  

http://journals.aol.co.uk/sybilsybil45/villagelife

if you ever want to pop by X

specialadyfink said...

I am so sorry for this new discovery.
I will say prayers and hope that all turns out well.
Keep the faith.
connie

momiscool2 said...

I am keeping you in my daily prayers.
love,
Michelle

nightmaremom said...

sending you good thoughts, prayers, and strength

d

nightmaremom said...

sending you good thoughts, prayers, and strength

d

rdautumnsage said...

((Hugs)) I'm keeping you in my prayers on the smoke. I'm in your corner dear friend. Mere words fail, where a hand held out in friendship may be clasped for strength. (Hugs) Indigo

preciousone25 said...

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this.  My prayers are with you for complete health & comfort.

Joann

lanurseprn said...

I came over via Guido's journal. I'm sorry you are going through this. I will put you on alerts and be back to visit.
Pam

fasttrack58 said...

Bringing special thoughts...
Linda...

pamal3 said...

Hey Jane, I'm gutted for you. Things were going well. I find myself losing faith through frustration when I think of you and your situation. Maybe I am wrong but I can't help this anger that I feel. Please don't give in to this. Don't give up hope for a moment. You are a real fighter Jane and the most admirable woman I know. If there is anything that I can do, anything at all, please give me a shout. As always, you are In my thoughts and prayers. Love Pam xx

fisherkristina said...

Oh drat.  So sorry you have to go through this.  Again.  Talk to the Lord about it.  He cares about you.  Tell Him how you feel.  That is all I can say.  I don't know what else to say.  Gee, it just doesn't seem fair, does it?  I just know it helps when I talk to Him.  

Krissy
http://journals.aol.com/fisherkristina/SometimesIThink  

buggieboo1 said...

I came over through Guido's journal. I'm sorry you are going through this. You will be in my thoughts and prayers!  I will put you on alerts and be back to visit.


Sharon

funnyface0s0 said...

Hello Jane
This damn disease is so awful, it knows no barriers.   You have been truly magnificent in fighting it, and i wish you all the strength in the world to continue to do so.  Good luck.
With love, Jaynee X

chevyz71gurl74 said...

I'm coming by way of Guido....

Jane you are in my thoughts and prayers....you are not alone on this cancer journey....for we are walking beside you...with much support, caring, encouragement and most of all asking God to give you the strength and courage to get through this most difficult time.... never give up hope....Keep the Faith!!!

Big Hugs
Terri

zoepaul6968 said...

This cancer is too cruel,a  vivacious and warm person such as yourself does not deserve this torture,why should you have to put up with it? Its not fair,why should you have to give up what you want and watch other people go through their lives without this thing inside them? Well youre not going to give up,its another lump,thats all,you can fight this because youre not going to be beaten,it will get worse before it gets better and damn those who get in the way,be strong we are here praying and fighting for you every step of the way.Zoe xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
http://journals.aol.co.uk/zoepaul6968/domestic-chaos/

cvgflydis said...

I've sat here this morning, reading your entire blog, every entry. I cried when your son came home, unexpectedly, and on other points, as well.

You have great courage. Your treatments have educated me, so much so, that I will pass along all information to a friend, whose Dad has renal cancer as well.

Thank you for sharing. Your words, allowed me a window into the things my own Mother may have been feeling during her cancer.

God Bless You and Be with you. I'll be checking in everyday, now, that I know you are here.

Angel

peytonswater said...

this may be easy for me to say...however HAIR GROWS.  You have to stay postive in any way you can. I can't imagine how scared you are and how hard it must be to be positive, but you have 2 choices, postive or negative, roll hard with the one. :)
Your in my thoughts & prayers
ang

pprrrr39 said...

I am so very sorry to hear your news. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers

hugs Jayne

bgilmore725 said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers... I'm sending them your way (and to God) right now! bea

jeadie05 said...

Dear Jane ,I am so sorry this has happened and you have been so good about everything ,I wish you all the best luck in the world and continue to pray for you ...love Jan xx

mortonlake said...

oh  jane           bless  you love.      i  been  following  your  journey  ever  since  i  1st  found you       awarded  you  nice  matters  award        cried over  your journal.     i  have no  words  that  dont  sound frankly  banal,       i  can  only  imagine  your  despair.             but  you  come  this  far            DONT  YOU  BLOODY  DARE  GIVE  UP  NOW.fight  love            all  you  can  do.        and  hope.  and  pray.           i  am  for  you.       love  and  best  wishes       mort  xxxxx

helmswondermom said...

{{{Jane}}}  I hope that you have good news from the CT scan, and that your doctor can relieve some of your worry when you see him.  In the meantime, please take care of yourself and rest.
Lori

ukgal36 said...

massive prayrrs being said for you from across the pond...
Lyn
http://journals.aol.com/ukgal36/Britsblog/