Friday, 7 August 2009

Jane's Journey - The final leg.

Since I started his blog two and a half years ago (was it really that long? It only seems like yesterday) I've always tried to write in a light hearted, hopefully humorous way. Shortly after I was diagnosed I made the choice to be positive and upbeat - no matter what was thrown at me -and be happy and just so very glad to still be here.



But there comes a time when humour doesn't work any more, when all the positive thoughts in the world wont make something disappear. And that time has come.



I wasn't expecting anything to show on my bone scan, I thought it was just a formality to confirm the pain I had been getting in my joints and muscles was due to Sutent. I didn't even ask Martin to come with me for the results. "I'll be fine" I said. "It's ok I'll take Catherine for company"



I should have known better. A small voice should have warned me that each time in the past I had received bad news Martin wasn't with me.



It was a busy, busy clinic again and Dr P was running over an hour late - that didn't really matter though especially as it took 2 nurses over half an hour to coax a few drops of blood out of me from the one teeny, weeny vein I have left in my hand now. That one has now finally given up the ghost and they were eyeing up my feet for the next time I need blood taken. Catherine and I then sat waiting with all the prostrates and their wives and a new young chap who I assumed to be a 'testicle' because he was so young - only in his 20's. Poor lad - he looked terrified. I remember how I felt the first time I came to the Cancer Centre. I remember feeling how out of place I felt because then I looked and felt so well. Now I hobble in using a stick and all the staff call me by my first name and ask after the children and we chat about holidays and who's had a baby and who's getting married. I feel like part of the fixtures in there now.



When Dr.P. called me he pulled up the bone scans on his computer and turned it round so I could see. A bone scan looks a bit like an x-ray with outlined in pale white - except on mine there were several large dark masses in the middle of them. I knew straight away. Dr. P didn't have to say a word. I felt like someone had sliced my stomach open and the contents were spilling onto the floor.



In the middle of my left femur, my right humerus, my sternum, on my right ribs and on the top of my skull were large dark blobs. And a lot of smaller, slightly lighter, less defined deposits.


Bone metastases.


Oh shit oh shit oh shit - it's everywhere.



Total shock.



Why hadn't I seen this coming?



Why was I completely and utterly unprepared for something that I know is a natural progression of my disease?



I had been so wrapped up in what Sutent was doing to my joints and muscles I had forgotten that although my cancer was being slowed down by Sutent, it was still working away inside me like some nasty insidious parasite. And spreading.


So it seems I am on the final 'leg' (yes it's a pun - you can smile!) of my journey. There is no disguising it now - it is what it is.

35 comments:

tinkerbell said...

Jane.just jane,no words no comfort, just so sick with you and for you,bless you

Andy said...

I am so sorry to hear your news. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Andy xx

mortonlake said...

im in tears.i cant write what i want to my love,because its all four letter words.im sorry.2 words that are meaningless right now.but i am.i dont pray much these days,i am now for you.my thoughts are with you jane.i feel sick.love mort xxxxx

Sybil said...

Jane, I have a another dear friend wo has cancer and I think you may like to read what she wrote. She was our much loved minister and writes a daily blog. This is part of what she wrote as a prayer after getting the news..

You have never left me, this cancer is not some evil sent by you to punish me, neither is it some test or trial of my faith or, worse yet, something that you have inflicted on me in order to teach me the miracle of prayer and healing!. Prayers for strength make sense to me, but prayers for healing of body mind and spirit have only ever made sense when there is a complete absence of any fear of death. Life is, after all, a death sentence, we just don’t choose to live it as though it is. In Christ you died to end the fear of death, so that there is nothing that can separate us from your love – even our deepest darkest fears.



No God, I know of no reason why I shouldn’t eventually die of cancer, or of food poisoning, or in a road accident, or even of old age, just as I can think of no reason why I should. But I am thankful that by the time that I die I will have known joy and pain, laughter and tears, faith and doubt. I will also have known fear, and the freedom from fear which saves – the truth that sets me free.
Good Night God Bless
Love Sybil xx

Sugar said...

no words will really help right now, but wanted you to know that so many of us admire you & love you. sending up prayers my dear, for you, & the family.
God bless...

Emma said...

I'd just been emailed to say how well you were doing. Jane, our thoughts are with you too

Emma

Beth said...

I'm stopping by via Mort's blog. I'm so sorry to hear of your bad news, and I will send you good thoughts and strength. All my best, Beth

Herrad said...

Hi Jane,
I came via Mort's blog.
Thinking about you.
Love,
Herrad

Stephany said...

Dear Jane, I came via Mort's blog, and wanted to say you have many people sending lots of love your way, including myself, bless you.

Alexei said...

I am so sorry to read your news. You have such spirit and such grace and such courage. xx

jack69 said...

Dearest Jane, All the love we can send, is coming your way from New Hampshire, in the US. The prayers too. Lady you are something else. Love you,
Sherry & Jack

Lucy said...

I am here by way of Mort and I am so very sorry.

Manuel Lopez said...

Jane, know that everyone is praying for you. So sorry to learn of your situation. Try to stay determined even if you can't stay positive. Your blog has been an inspiration to so many. We've only known each other a short while but I have grown to admire and respect you for your spirit. May God bless you my fellow Warrior.

Jacki said...

Jane,
How I remember that day with Mike!

I don't know what to say except that God's in control! So much research going on....don't give up now!
My brother went down fighting with all he had. I expect no less from you!
Prayers are with you!

Joann said...

(((Jane))) I'm so sorry, there are no words... My prayers are with you and your family as you face this uglyness. I have not been to your blog before, came by way of Sugar at "Call for Support". But I will come back, and keep sending you good thoughts.

Hollie said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your news! Just know that God is still in Control & that He still answers prayers. Do not give up. Praying for you & your family!

Jeannette said...

I am so sorry to hear this news. I will be praying for you. God bless you.

Andrew Petcher said...

Really Sorry to hear this news Jane. Will be thinking about you.

Little Girl said...

Read this with sadness. I have always admired you, no matter what you may think and always will. My thoughts are with you and your family Jane. xx
Cornishkatie.

Christina said...

Jane, came here by way of Sugar and wanted to tell you I have you and your family in my prayers. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. Bless you sweetie. Bless you.

Daria said...

I am so sorry ...

tayloriad said...

Jane,
Full of respect and admiration for you and your resilience and courage.
May you be pain free.
Have you heard of Byron Katie? A great spiritual teacher? Her inquiry helps so much!!!
Try it: www.thework.com
There is so much light and joy when the time comes!
With deep humility and love,
Isabel

Lynne said...

Jane, I am so sorry to read your post and pray for you that God will send healing and peace. Cancer sucks.

Framing Images and Memories said...

You should know that you have touched many with your blog. I know you have touched me and taught me a few life lessons along the way. I feel a little silly about my "issues" in life and I thank you for the kick in the ass that I deserve. Like everyone else has said, Im so sorry and have you in my prayers.

Funnyface said...

Hi Jane ..... Whoa, what a shock - jus dropped by to catch up on all your news (loved Martin and the Gwok Wan reference ...lol... but hey, didn't he turn out to be your Gwok Wan eh ...lol)
And now the Final Leg - hey, you've been amazing and probably more amazing than we bloggers will ever know. After your initial shock of being diagnosed you have led a fantastic life, loved and cared for your family, made some life long memories for them. We bloggers know how special you are, but only your family know how VERY special you are.
Keep smiling,
Big Luv, Jaynee X

Kathy said...

Jane, I'm here via Mort's blog. Know that in my little corner of the world, prayers ... for whatever you need now ... are going up.
Kathy

kje said...

sweet lady Jane - my heart breaks to hear your news - you have been such a friend to all of us with kidney cancer - please know that i sit across the pond here in Canada, tears in my eyes, thankful that we're able to connect even from this distance, and sending my very best wishes to you and your lovely family. stay strong my friend and 'seize the day' as much as possible. no matter where we are on this journey, we all must find some joy and meaning, and remember that, regardless of how long we each have, life is good. keep making those memories. hugs, karen

LYN said...

SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!!!
I WAS AWAY THIS WEEKEND...
I AM GUTTED....
SHIT SHIT SHIT...

Jeannette said...

I've come over from Morts journal, I'm so sad to hear what you're going through. Sending prayers to you and your family. Bless you Jane. Jeannette xx

Julie said...

I came over by way of the support blog. My prayers go out to you.

Yasmin said...

Jayne I'm so sorry to hear your news having read your journal almost from the begining your irrepressable spirit and humour have shone through fighting this diesease, my prayers are with you.

Love Yasmin
xxx

Sunil said...

Jane, this is great sorrow to hear about your.

SUNIL

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myriam said...

Jane, my prayers for you. I am in Brasil, Rio de Janeiro. God bless you and your family.

AngelaBradley said...

Hi Jane, I found your blog through Morton's. Your in my thoughts, I don't understand why these things happen and I know you must have asked a million times. ALthough I don't know you, I am here, thinking of you.

tommyhello said...

Jane - I met you last week in London -(I was the American you had lunch with) I had to go to your blog. God bless you - I will pray for you.