Saturday, 8 August 2009

Reeling and regrooping

I havn't slept for 2 nights. I don't think anyone else here has much either. The shock of my scan results hit us all like a tsunami and left us gasping for breath - not quite sure what to do next. Martin was in a dreadful state, unable to go to work yesterday, wanting to talk and yet breaking down when we tried to. It was like when I was first diagnosed all over again, the shock, the fear, all those feelings of being out of control washing over us.

Caroline and Sarah rush round on hearing the news and wrap themselves around us like a big fluffy blanket trying to comfort us - their words don't help but their presence does.


I feel this enormous sense of guilt as if it's all my fault - I know it's not, I know it's the cancer and it's not me, but I can't help feeling like this. It's my fault and I have to put things right somehow but I don't know how. I don't know where to start.

I know what happened - we became complacent. Martin especially. He had settled into the routine of Sutent working, maybe a little blip here and there, but generally everything going along fine from month to month, scan to scan. The longer this went on with me being well the more he became seduced by the idea that this could continue ad infinitum. He even comments on this in the documentary.

It's not a bad thing of course. In fact it's the only way to live rather than being constantly anxious, permanently fearful, but it does leave you wide open to the shock when things DO change.

Slowly we surfaced, calmed down and took stock.

Essentially nothing has changed. I'm still the same as I was a week ago. Ok so I have a few more tumours in my body but I'm still Jane, 100% Jane in the bit that really counts. The bit that will never give up fighting because it simply can't.

So I did what I always do and starting searching online for information about the treatment of bone metasteses. And yes, there is a drug that can help protect the bones from breakages, even strengthen them and slow down the growth of the tumour. I have no idea if it will be appropriate for me, or even available to me, but I'm sure Dr. P. will.

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the bees are buzzing and the butterflies are fluttering and tonight I know I shall sleep.

14 comments:

Andy said...

Its probably the easiest thing to say but the hardest to do and that is to stay strong, and I know just how difficult that can be. I am sure Dr P will come up with an answer for you. My thoughts are with you.
Andy

Sybil said...

Hi Jane, glad to see our warrior Jane back in fighting mode. We at church were all praying that you remain positive and strong.
When you see Dr. P. I am sure he will have looked into further treatment but always good for you to go armed with what you have found yourself.
God Bless.
Much Love Sybil xx

Daria said...

I don't know where we find the strength but we do ... take the time you need to heal and then move forward.

*sarah* said...

i love you nanny jane! you're amazingly strong, brave and as wonderful as ever! please don't ever think it is your fault... you know, i know, we all know that it is not! we just all feel guilty that we can't fix you with our endless love and endless hugs! you are always smiling and always beautiful! kisses xxxxxx

Colin D said...

There are things to look into and Dr. P will be doing it for you as well. I always keep the same as you Jane, there is always something else to go for. I'm with you and supporting you best I can, as you've been an inspiration to me and have helped me out so much reading about your experiences and how well you've be dealing with it. I't pulled me and my wife from the mire on many an occasion ;-)

-Col

Herrad said...

Hi Jane,
Thinking of you lots.
Love,
Herrad

tinkerbell said...

jANE i KNOW YOUR DR P WILL DO ALL HE CAN TO GET YOU THESE DRUGS, AGAIN YOU ARE TREADING A PATHWAY FOR OTHERS bless you,sleep well

LYN said...

YOU ARE MY HERO...
IF ANYONE CAN JANE CAN...
GOD LOVE YA...

Alexei said...

So glad to see your fighting spirit back again. I never doubted it would return but it's good to see it!

Funnyface said...

Game on for Team Jane - yay! Get up there girlie you got the strength so you show that nasty old cancer what you can do.
Luv ya
Jaynee X

ADB said...

To be left reeling after bad news like that is perfectly OK, Jane. You're already rallying round to confront this latest setback. I'm pleased you're beginning to look on the positive side again. Keep us posted, we're with you all the way

mortonlake said...

thats my jane talking.you dont give up girl.thats why i admire n love you.you take care,rest,regroup,n then kick ass.you good at that.lol.lots of love mort xxx

Jackie said...

Hi Jane
Finally got internet connection up here in the wilds of scotland. First stop your blog! Read latest since leaving home almost 2wks ago and can't believe the hell you've been going through.
Nothing I can say can change whats happening to you but I can say that the strength you show through all of this is such a support to all of us going through this cancer! I gather tremendous resolve from reading your blog, it makes me pull up my socks on days when I dwell and makes me get on with life and live it to the fullest. I send the most positive thoughts I can to you and hope somehow it gives you strength to overcome those dark moments that we all encounter.
It's so hard to look on the positive side when things look black but as you say nothing much has really changed you are still Jane and will always be Jane through thick and thin.
Keep fighting it don't ever give in to it.
Build those happy memories that will last and last.xx

Sunil said...

Really motivating article for me..

SUNIL

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