I havn't slept for 2 nights. I don't think anyone else here has much either. The shock of my scan results hit us all like a tsunami and left us gasping for breath - not quite sure what to do next. Martin was in a dreadful state, unable to go to work yesterday, wanting to talk and yet breaking down when we tried to. It was like when I was first diagnosed all over again, the shock, the fear, all those feelings of being out of control washing over us.
Caroline and Sarah rush round on hearing the news and wrap themselves around us like a big fluffy blanket trying to comfort us - their words don't help but their presence does.
I feel this enormous sense of guilt as if it's all my fault - I know it's not, I know it's the cancer and it's not me, but I can't help feeling like this. It's my fault and I have to put things right somehow but I don't know how. I don't know where to start.
I know what happened - we became complacent. Martin especially. He had settled into the routine of Sutent working, maybe a little blip here and there, but generally everything going along fine from month to month, scan to scan. The longer this went on with me being well the more he became seduced by the idea that this could continue ad infinitum. He even comments on this in the documentary.
It's not a bad thing of course. In fact it's the only way to live rather than being constantly anxious, permanently fearful, but it does leave you wide open to the shock when things DO change.
Slowly we surfaced, calmed down and took stock.
Essentially nothing has changed. I'm still the same as I was a week ago. Ok so I have a few more tumours in my body but I'm still Jane, 100% Jane in the bit that really counts. The bit that will never give up fighting because it simply can't.
So I did what I always do and starting searching online for information about the treatment of bone metasteses. And yes, there is a drug that can help protect the bones from breakages, even strengthen them and slow down the growth of the tumour. I have no idea if it will be appropriate for me, or even available to me, but I'm sure Dr. P. will.
The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the bees are buzzing and the butterflies are fluttering and tonight I know I shall sleep.