.....to my new friends online for their kind words and support.
When I first started writing this Blog it really was for me only, an outlet, and maybe to show my children when the time comes that having an illness like this isnt all bad. There are so many positives to be gained from it.
Death seems to still be the final taboo doesnt it? Its a subject avoided by most people, especially when talking about someone still alive. But you know it IS something that will happen to all of us eventually. Most of us dont even give it a minutes thought until someone close to us dies, then we become aware of our own mortality for a short time - until we push it to the back of our minds again. Thats the best way to be, for how can you live if you are so conciously aware of the fact you will die?
Right now Im focussing on the next few months. Its very easy to go along with everything the doctors advise....'we can do this...we can do that' But the question really should be 'SHOULD you do that?'
Like I said, Im well right now. So basically I have 3 choices.
1. I go for the 'easy' option. Sutent. Which will hopefully extend my life but at what price? Nasty side effects and the constant worry of whether it will work and if it does for how long?
2. I take a gamble and go for Inteferon or Intaleukin2...or even more risky a clinical trial. Both kinds of chemo but with a very small chance of a cure (4%) Im well enough to withstand the treatment but it virtually takes you to the very edge of death its that severe.
3. Tell them all to sod off and spend the next few months partying, drinking red wine and smoking and eating all kinds of rubbish and then leave with a smile on my face when I decide.....oh yes, ending it all MY way and when I want to is certainly an option.
Difficult isnt it? Its a basic human instinct to hang on to life for as long as possible, to fight to live, but at what cost to those who love you? Ive seen to many patients fade away in hospital, day after day of their families visiting, looking for signs of hope, unable to accept the inevitable.
Maybe its the greatest gift I can give Martin and my children - that they dont have to watch that happen to me?