So, this morning I saw Dr. P.
And then I bought the pyjamas.
I think I knew really, deep down. I think I knew it was a mistake to be seduced by the idea that I had 'cured myself'.
I bounced into his room, accompanied by a nurse, Marie, who I happen to know. I told him how well I felt, and what had happened, and how my horn had disappeared. He just smiled and said 'Yes, kidney cancer does that, its very unpredictable. But it will come back. You are a grade 4 aggressive. It will come back'
I suggested a CT and he just said 'Yes, you will need one before you start IL2'
I had a blood test - and he just smiled in that lovely kind way he has and said 'Prof Hawkins will be in touch very soon. They have the 'blocks' of your tumour now and are producing the markers.'
So I went to town and bought the pyjamas. And cried all the way home.