Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Almost the end of my journey

* Written by Jane at St Mary's.. typed and posted by Martin.

What a difference 24hrs can make. Its almost unbelievable really. I'm sure I'm still in shock, I know Martin is.
As I've said before on my blog, I was getting quite a lot of pain in my legs. But I was still managing to potter around on my frame. In fact I was making cakes on Thursday ! The pain in my back, which spread like a tight band around my middle was no worse and being controlled quite well by Ibuprofen. By Sunday my legs were much more painful and I felt quite unsteady when walking so I was quite happy to spend Sunday afternoon and evening with Martin having a blood infusion in the QE Hospital. That for once went well, 3 units in no problem. At 2am we got home and I walked into the house.

Monday morning I woke in agony and... well you know the story from there.

So now I'm back at St Mary's where they are trying to get my pain under control, which isn't easy. My back especially is very painful. I've been catherterized to avoid any accidents as my bladder control is going.
I was offered treatment, radiotherapy or an operation but neither would be curative and would involve a lot more pain and being messed around. I'm not sure my body could take it. So I'm having my pain control sorted and then I'm going home... to die. Its the right decision.
Everyone has been fantastic. Martin, the kids, Carol all the nurses and Doctors. I can't praise them highly enough. 'Team Jane' at its very best.
As I said, I think I'm in shock, but when I feel a bit more settled I will write again.

PS. My hair is still falling out.

Jane

37 comments:

Alexei said...

Lots of love to both of you. Your courage, and Martin's, is inspiring.

pam said...

Oh Jane. I am so sorry. I think this time, I really am a bit stuck for words. I am so pleased to see you post. Well almost see, I can't see the screen properly for an endless stream of tears. I am so sad Jane. Life is cruel and unfair. Isn't it strange how we have never met and yet I feel like I am losing someone from my own family?. I have never, and will never in a million years, meet anyone as Brave as you or as Caring, Thoughtful, Strong, and Dignified. I wish you peace Jane. It's been one hell of a journey! I will be waiting here for the next time you post. Lovin u so much more today and of course "Team Jane". Sending big hugs to you all. Love Pam.xx

Sugar said...

dear sweet jane, i've followed your inspiring journey for a long time, seldom commenting, but always there, reading your updates, & praying for you & your family.
you sound like you've reached peace with the decision you've made, i know it wasn't easy, but as always, admire your ability to think clearly, & reach what was deemed best for your transition. we're all only visitors here, in this earthly home of ours, & must return to our spiritual home someday. we never know when or where. I'm glad, at least, you've had time to to take care of certain things, to let all those you love... know you love them, & your wishes for the future (yours & theirs).
before, i've prayed for a cure or at least time, for you, & others. i pray now for your comfort & easy trip to the start of your next life, where we'll all get to meet you, one day. & that martin, & your family, be strong, during the difficult days ahead, that they be granted some degree of peace during their grief, in just knowing, what a wonderful person you are, & how much you made a difference, in so many lives!
i'll cont to remember you, & those close to you, in my thoughts & prayers.
with much love, many thanks, & complete devotion to a strong courageous woman...God bless you.
if i can be of any hep, please have martin contact me.
Rev. S. Lewis
Kansas City, Mo USA

Andy said...

Words can not express how I felt when I read these words. You have been so inspirational, I can only say that my heart and prayers go out to you all.

Andy x

Sandy said...

Jane, although I have not left many comments I have followed your journey for a long time. Your courage not only inspired me but it inspired my husband before he lost his life to cancer last October. I am glad that you are at peace with your decision and I wish you comfort through your final days.

Ron & Kristy said...

You have been such an inspiration to me through the years Jane. I am so thankful that you chose to share your story through your blog and the video. You have touched many lives. I am so saddened for you and your family as well.

Please know you have touched so many lives Jane. You have inspired a great number of people and raised awareness about this dreadful cancer. You will be missed my friend. And you will never be forgotten. All of us - we will keep your memory alive. We will continue the fight.

Hugs,

cdrewery said...
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cdrewery said...
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karen in ottawa canada said...

what to say - by now you know how much you've meant to me personally over the past 20 months of my own RCC journey - you have been & continue to be a true beacon of light in some of my darkest moments and i love you from afar for that. my heart is with you entirely at this time and i pray for freedom of pain for you and sweet loving moments for you & Martin and your dear family. i send you my fiercest hugs from across the pond as always

Cruella de Surf said...
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Jan said...

Dear Jane I have followed your blog from the beginning ,and have always been inspired by your courage ,and loved it when you were well enough to comment on mine .You are so loved Jane and will be missed ,I kept the Yours magazine ,and read your story again ,and looked at your dear face ,I will always keep the magazine ,I wont forget you ,God Bless you Jane ,I feel honoured to have been a small part of your journey ..love Jan xx

ADB said...

You and all of us who have followed you through these months and years knew that the point would be reached that active treatment was no longer a viable option. When that stage is reached, the objective is switched to pain control and I hope that will be met really soon, in order that you can return home to be in your own familiar surroundings, with those that love you alongside. We, as Internet buddies, will be with you for the remainder of your journey. We will be there for both of you.

Guido

Heather said...

What do you say to someone who is at the end of their journey? Thank you for sharing this time with strangers... and for trusting us with the most intimate time of your life. Thank you for your example of dignity and strength. I pray your pain will subside and that you will know that you are loved. I pray that you will be comforted and that your family will be comforted. I pray for all of your needs to be met. Go in peace, sweet lady!
hugs, heather

Jackie said...
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Jackie said...

Jane you have brought me to tears. You have given me strength throughout our journey with this cancer, you have made me tough or so I thought. I have now laughed and cried with you and know we shall meet again. I will go on and fight this fight until I feel my time is right. Go with love and peace in your heart my friend. xx

mortonlake said...

i'm crying as i write this jane,you have meant so much to me these past months,you are my inspiration when things get bad.i reread your entries,and my pain is nothing to yours.you are in my thoughts,peace my friend,love to you and martin,from someone who is proud to call you friend.mort xxxx

Sybil said...

My dearest warrior Jane,
God Bless,,,
much Love Sybil xxx

Deb said...

As I read your words Jane, I realized without a doubt just how brave you truly are my friend. Not many get to write about their death before it happens, nor would any of us probably want to, but you do it so courageously and with your never ceasing ability to amaze us all. You know what is best for "you" at this point Jane. What a legacy you have created for cancer patients and you have defined to each and everyone of us who have come to know you, the true meaning of the words "courage", "determination" and "hero". I have been honored to have had the wonderful fate to have met you back in 2008 when you just happened upon my blog, and then opportunities to communicate with you as well over that time.
Not many leave this world knowing just how others truly feel about them...it is later defined in their eulogies or condolences. I however choose to say it now Jane, "You have been such a light at the end of many a dark tunnel as my husband continues his cancer journey, your smile has brightened the darkest days of so many, and your remarkable efforts to inform and to help other cancer patients will always remain in all of our hearts".
None of us know when our life will end... , but you Jane have the rare gift of having left your imprint on all of our hearts, and that my friend does not happen for most of us.
Rest, enjoy time with family, and take comfort at home knowing that you are surrounded with all of our love which stretches right around the world.
God Bless you my friend!
Debbie

jon said...

You are unbelievable. The force of your personality will allways be here.

Cruella de Surf said...

Jane, you are an absolute trouper & the strength and stoicism with which you've faced this is inspiring. So sorry to read of your terrible pain and suffering; hope it's soon under control so you can fulfil your wish of going home. It's been great to chat to you lately even if briefly. We hope your decision brings you peace, and our thoughts are with you and your family. You're a star.
Much love, S&R XXXXXXXX

Manuel Lopez said...

Jane and Martin, all I can think of to say is thank you for sharing your story and for showing us how to fight. I can't express my sadness when I read those words, though I do understand.
God bless you Jane. May He ease your pain and soothe your family as you prepare for your transition.

Denise_pike said...

Dear Jane. I have been following your story for some time from here in Benidorm where I have lived for the last 31 years. I really hoped there would be a magical miracle cure for you as I always wish for happy endings. Your journey is one we will all have to make one day each in in our own way. I´m so pleased you at least have travelled on your journey with a loving family and on your travels have touched the hearts of so many people. God bless the end of your journey with love. Denise.

joanna said...

Dear Jane Martin and Family I have been following your posts now for some months, but your last one was so very sad and courageous. As you say you are almost at your journeys end , but your life has been truly blessed with such a devoted family and friends. Peace and love to you Jane.
Joannabelle xx

LYN said...

AWW JANE... I DON'T REALLY HAVE WORDS EXCEPT NO ONE CAN EVER SAY YOU DIDN'T FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT HUH GIRL?? PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS LIVE ON IN EVERYONE'S HEARTS..INCLUDING MINE..WE MAY NEVER HAVE MET BUT I FEEL A BOND WITH YOU ACROSS THE MILES...

ALL MY LOVE TO YOU ALL ..

Melissa said...

I've followed your blog for a while but rarely comment.

Your courage and honesty will not be forgotten.

You and your family will remain in my prayers.

tonigreenaway1 said...

I am so sorry, although that just doesn't seem to cover it. My love you you and all your family.

Zoe said...

As with everyone else here,I have cried today.I nursed my father through his cancer and I cant say how helpless I feel.Some people go through life uncaring and unappreciative of what they have,yet with every step you have influenced and guided many.You have brought hope and light to people who are in dispair.Your family are now on that threshold and you still continue to help them through this with you.I dont think brave describes it at all,it must take so very much to say goodbye,it must take so very much to accept it all,words cannot describe it to anyone can they? But you dont need to,everyone here is humbled,everyone here has been touched by you and you can rest knowing that everyone here will miss you so very much,to be loved that way is what life is all about.Take care my friend,I will miss you and sincere love goes to your family,you have the most special people anyone could wish for beside you and loving you,I pray for painless and loving rest for you my love,what a wonderful person you are.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

AndyThomas said...

You're a true inspiration to everyone. Love to you both. x

Joanne said...

You are & will always be my hero & inspiration Jane in my battle with RCC. I pray that you are in less pain today & I am still praying for a miracle for you.
Lots of hugs to you & Martin & the rest of your family.
Joanne (ontario, Canada)

Funnyface said...

My Dearest Jane,
It just won't be the same without you. Your story is one of bravery and love, not to mention determination. You did everything and more to win your battle. We your readers will never forget you, we love you and will always have you in our hearts.
You are now starting another journey, one we will not be able to read.
If you should meet my Mum in heaven please give her a big cuddle from me.
Big Love, Jaynee XXX

ColBol said...

Jane, my mother Helen is in St marys at the moment, she has lung cancer, when she was first admited a few weeks ago i looked St marys up on the internet and wanted to see what it was like and came across your blog, reading your blog has brought emence comfort to us as a family, you have been so strong and an insperation to us all.
i hope that your pain is under controll soon...
all our love the Biddle family.x

Andrea said...

Hi Jane! What can I say but thank you for the laughs over the years, and I look forward to more when we meet again - then I can give you a hug! We disagreed on religious beliefs you may remember, ha ha and it still remains, but as I said to you many years ago death is not the end, it is the start of another journey and it is comforting to know we are all heading to the same place. So it is goodbye for now and my thoughts are with your family at this very personal and deeply upsetting time. Biggest cyber hugs Jane and say hi to Jack Daniels who sadly died recently. No dirty jokes if you do bump into him, ha ha! Peace and comfort to you and your family, and indeed all your wonderful friends here on your blog. Goodbye my love and thank you for being you xxx

Jeanie said...

My dear brave Jane

It is heart rending to read your last entry.
May God bless you and Martin.
My prayers will ask for your relief from pain and a peaceful transition into heaven.
You will be remembered so well by many friends who never met you and yet grew to love you, as well as your strength and bravery.
Go with God and let Him take care of his brave warrior.
God bless you and Martin.
With love and a gentle hug for you. Be at peace.
Jeanie xx

Hem said...

An incredible lady.Tears freely flow for an amazing person.xx

kurly1954 said...

Jane - You are an Inspiration to all of us. You are a " Courageous Lady".
My prayers are for you and dear family, Martin ( god bless) please do keep us informed.
Jane.. We all love you.
Peace.
Shirley xxxxxxxx

林60102asai_sistrunk said...

GOOD........................................

Tracey said...

Dear Jane and family, my heart goes out to you as you face the difficult days ahead. As someone who lost their husband to this dreadful disease 9 months ago I have watched your blog willing you to live and survive and to beat this disease. You have done so well so far and been so incredibly brave. I will be thinking of you and the family as you spend time together as a family. May you experience peace in the turmoil and hope in the dispair.
Much love and prayers.
Tracey (wife to Leslie Moyes 26/04/1952 - 21/07/2009)