Getting though this isn't easy....this time it's taking more than a smile and positive attitude. Now it's a grim determination to see this through to the bitter end. No matter what lays in store for me along the way.
I still smile of course, and crack a joke and see the funny side of things where possible, but surviving this time is taking something deeper and more primeval - almost a type of anger/hate I can direct at my cancer psychologically, like a weapon.
Choosing 'anger' is a good thing as I found out the first time I was hoisted into my wheel chair. I couldn't believe the amount of muscle wastage and loss of sensation that has occurred in just 10 days. All I have left are tiny spasms in my feet and legs. I just burst into tears completely devastated. Clare the physio calmed me down. She explained there is still a lot of inflammation caused by the radio therapy which should go down and the fact that 'messages' - the spasms - are getting through to my toes is a good sign. I'm yet to be convinced. But there is an awful lot of hard work to be done - and this is where the anger comes in. I can direct it at my useless, pathetic, chicken legs right now and get on with my exercises. And it sure is hard work. Who would think that wriggling your toes can make you out of breath ? I kid you not - it does. After half an hour I'm sweating !
So reality bites. I was ridiculously over optimistic at the beginning - oh yes I would walk again no problem. But then I saw, and felt, for myself the damage that had been done and it hit me hard. I have a very long hard road ahead to climb - yes, another one, with no guarantee at the end of it and goodness knows what may happen along the away.
I have adjusted my goal too - at the moment it will be enough to have my legs shaved - and maybe some pretty pink nail polish ?