Saturday, 14 November 2009

The Fear Factor

Most of us will happily admit to a fear of something funny or irrational, like snakes or birds or balloons etc...but to acknowledge you are scared of something which is entirely understandable seems to be cowardly in some way. You are expected to be brave.

Well I'm scared about Monday - very scared as a matter of fact. Just thinking about it and my stomach turns over.

Maybe that's the problem?
Maybe just lying here I have too long to think and worry about it?
For instance, the anticipation of pain can be almost as bad as the pain itself. Just knowing I'm about to have my traction re-done - and how much it will hurt - is enough to bring tears to my eyes, literally. Before the first wave of pain hits I can start to cry, knowing whats coming. Does this make it worse? Yes I think so. Any tension makes pain worse. And yet who can honestly say they 'relax' when told to do so by a doctor knowing full well something IS going to hurt?

Fear is the same kind of thing. Its only there when you think about it - or have the time to.

That's why its 6.30am and I'm wide awake with unwelcome thoughts running through my head - and I'm scared.

Of what exactly?
I'm not exactly sure when I stop and analyse it.
Dissecting something, fear or otherwise, always helps to diminish its power.

So Im lying here trying to work out what exactly I'm frightened of - and if I work it out Ill let you know !


Jackie said...

I know how you are feeling I felt this when I had my nephrectomy, then I rationalised it and thought if I die I won't know much about it, it turned out it was my family I feared for the most!
Then 6 months down the line after the op I hit panic stations after all didn't they tell me I had about 6months left to live? I hit rock bottom couldn't leave the house without someone, couldn't drive, couldn't bring myself to do anything FEAR took over my life, but I worked through it and I'm here today telling you we all have fear inside of us it's the stay and fight or flight part of being a human being, it's a natural defence mechanism, but it's how we use that energy to our advantage that matters. YOU WILL BE FINE JANE and when you look back on this it will all be a blur, you will overcome this, you've had pain before and it was overcome! I will be thinking of you all day tomorrow and waiting for Martin to post us the news.
Love Jackie x
p.s if you want me to shut up just say x

ADB said...

The fear of pain is sometimes worse than the pain itself. Quite understandable and completely normal. Don't worry about what you're scared of - as Jackie said, when it's all over and done with it'll just be a blur. Keep us posted.

jimjam said...

Hi Jane,
I completely agree with the other comments. Fear of the unknown is very powerful.When I had my mastectomy I was so scared, I even had such irrational thoughts that I thought I might end up like 'Life on Mars', stuck in a parallel world . V weird. Then was told chemo was necessary, that was worse, all the awful things related to that. Imagination runs wild. It hasn't been too bad, one to go, and i'm still here. I try and put myself in another place, it's happening, but not to me, my other self, if that makes any sense. Jane, you are strong and a fighter, it's the drugs talking, clouding your rational judgement. you will come through this, every day will be better than yesterday, but not as good as tomorrow. Big hugs (gently) with love Jan & Clive Stone xxx

Sybil said...

Dearest Jane, We all know times when we are afraid...terrified actually and in your case as you know more or less what you are afraid of it won't help for me to say platitudes... so I won't
Only that I am holding you firmily in my prayers and will be doing so all tomorrow sending the arrows upwards (and even northwards so you may feel me there by your side only the arrows going northwards will have little hearts all around them xx)
Keep thinking of getting home soon
God Bless
Much Love Sybil xx

Deb said...

It's ok to be afraid...I would feel the same as you also. Being afraid of the unknown is the natural reaction for most of all. Be assured though that I am right there, along with your many friends and extended family that you have met through your blog.
You'll do just great...I feel very sure of that.
Hang in and hang on...I'm throwing you my lifeline across the pond....
Take care,


Jackie said...

Hi Jane and Martin I'm thinking of you both today, the sun is shining that's a good sign to me.
Jackie x

Anonymous said...

Oh jane how i understand, frar is such a distructive emotion, fear of the unknown is more so,you just can not deal with this wave upon wave that takes you over, my heart and thoughts and prayers are so with you, when my fear atzcks me today I will join yours xxx

mortonlake said...

its that waiting for the pain to hit bit thats can stand the pain,but not the waiting for now you have had it done,just read martins post.take care my friend,love mort,xxxx

Dr. kold_kadavr_flatliner, MD said...

Not to worry, J - life's over sooner than you think. I know. My profile tells about how Janet and I... well, you can certainly read --- Jane, a few thoughts which shall influence U.S. to reach for Utopia no matter what the cost: FOUR!! blogs which tell of the exxxcitement Heaven Above has to offer, which is an eternity of pleasure-beyond-measure; we ROTE {theeyebeam} to show a true story about sex in Heaven after we croak (apparently, most of U.S. are completely unaware of this fact). C'mon, people. The Liar's a deceiver: absolutely no sex in Hell amid the flames, filth and fugliness, yet, puh-lenty of sssEX! Upstairs for the length and breadth of eternity for those who want some. And why not?? God sez everything’s possible. Yeah. Think so. God bless you. Meet me Upstairs --- ‘God only gives bawls to those who see the need for humility’ -blessed holy socks